Tinder has changed the dating scene forever. Once upon a time we'd all have to go out to sweaty clubs and shout at girls to get a date, and now it's as easy as swiping right and sending a couple of emojis. The art has been lost, but it's still just as important as ever. Girls still go to bars, and when you're out on the town, there's still plenty of opportunities. You just need to know what to do - which is where this ultimate guide comes in...
First things first: the location. Hollywood will tell you that you can pick up any lonely woman in any scummy dive bar, so long as you turn up around closing time. But that's not true at all. You need to pick a place that attracts women who are open to having fun, but also not too loud. Keep an eye on what's new in the neighborhood, because the curious and fun girls will always flock to the next hip thing.
The other first is also vitally important - first impressions, that is. And there's no greater impact on your first impression than what you're wearing. It says a lot about you as a person, so you don't want to look desperate or nerdy. There's also such a thing as dressing up too much, although James Bond would disagree.
Not only is it a supreme libido-killer to take a girl back to your parent's house, but the question is bound to come up in conversation one way or another, even if you don't wind up sleeping with her that night. If you're old enough to drink, you're old enough to move out and not embarrass yourself.
When we say "have a strategy", we don't necessarily mean what you're going to say to her or when you're going to caress her leg or whatever. No, that should mostly be played by ear. We mean what will happen as the night draws to a close. Do you have a car to drive you both home? A bottle of wine waiting in the fridge? Have you taken down your One Direction posters and hidden them under the bed?
Once upon a time, approaching a girl in the bar would be considered fairly normal, if a little annoying. Now, many girls see it as downright creepy. That's not to say it's wrong - it's just openly approaching anyone these days makes you look weird. So make sure you're being as non-weird as possible, with clothes, grooming, binoculars, mouth-breathing, etc., before you sidle up to her, just to tip the odds in your favor.
Want to know how to be definitely non-creepy? Don't drill a hole into her chest with your laser-focused eyes. It's as simple as that. A glance, and a smile, and that should say it all before you approach. No more.
Now to find out whether you do have a chance, or whether you've already been tagged for the rejection bin. If she returns your glance and smile with one of her own, then that's a very good start. If she's already deep in a serious conversation, cool it for just a second and re-read the situation later.
Also, hitting on drunk girls is not cool at all. Really, really not cool. If you're both tipsy and having a laugh, then that's great. But if she's already slurring, then you're just plain taking advantage of a vulnerable person. Besides, the conversation's going to be less than sparkling, which is really what you're there for, right?
If you've ever been cock-blocked before, then you know the pain and frustration already. Why would you want to try that on one of your fellow bros? That's right, you don't. Us bros gotta stick together and respect each other's moves. There's plenty of ladies for everyone, so try another.
Okay, so we're pretty sure that no-one's sent over a drink to someone else since about three decades ago, when everyone unironically had mustaches. So we don't need to remind you that this is still as super sleazy and super cheesy as it ever was. No, not in a good way.
Girls love confident guys, but as it turns out pretty much everyone in the world is a little bit insecure. Especially when you're walking up to someone you don't know in a public arena of potential embarrassment. So what do the all those so-called "confident" people do? Simple: they fake it.
Drop the one-liners, drop the cheese, drop the pick-up lines that even your dad groans at. Not drop them like they're hot, or drop them like a phat beat at a psytrance rave. Drop them like they're an underperforming sports player. And keep them on the bench for the rest of the game.
Most horny dudes would have at least heard of the Game, if not picked up a few hints here and there about negging and sarging and all that mumbo-jumbo. Trust us when we say that it doesn't work, so don't use it. Women have a very good bullshit-o-meter, and you're about to set it off.
What's the alternative to psychological warfare in order to get laid? We're glad you asked. All you have to do, really, is be genuine with the girl. Sometimes it might not work, and sometimes the two of you really won't see eye to eye. But she'll appreciate and recognize that you're not putting on an act.
That's all you have to do when you finally make your nerve-wracking approach: say "hello". If you keep it simple, don't mention anything about angels and falling out of heaven, and definitely don't offer to buy her a drink immediately, you're in with your best chance yet.
Now that you've shocked her into complete silence with your utterly normal opening, you have the chance to strike. You have the chance to follow up with another barrage of completely average, normal conversation. Go on, try it. Pretend like you're talking to a friend.
At this point, things should be going smoothly, but inside you'll still be a jittery bundle of nerves. Most people wouldn't attempt a joke, since it can totally fall flat and make it all worse, but if there's something you think is funny, by all means try it out. Chicks dig humor - even attempts at humor.
If you've just approached a woman at a bar, you'd better make it worth her while. She could be doing literally anything else instead of listening to you, so don't bore her with a barrage of compliments that she's heard before a million times. It just screams desperation.
Of course, that doesn't mean that ladies hate being complimented. Far from it - like any average human, they love to be told that they look great and are totally radical every now and again. So why can't you compliment them if they like it so much?
The key is in the timing and the delivery of the compliments. Like we said before, don't lay it on thick with the unsolicited compliments, but if the situation calls for it, and you genuinely have meaning behind the words, by all means deliver a subtle nod to the fact that she's crazy hot.
No girl - or at least, hardly any girl - is going to be out on the prowl all alone. If she's not with her man, then she's going to be with her gal pals. They actually will have a lot of influence on her decisions, so you better treat them just as good as your love interest. Be friendly with them, joke with them, and talk to them too.
However, you shouldn't be flirting with all of her friends. Not only is it totally obvious that you're just fishing for some sex and don't care what you reel in, but you'll also go mad trying to maintain four different flirting sessions at the same time.
So what you have to do is not be totally focused on her, but not throw your attention all over the place. You need to seem really interested in her, to make her feel like she's special too. In fact, don't just seem interested - be interested! If you listen up to what she's saying, you'll probably find that she is actually a pretty awesome chick with plenty in common with you.
On the flipside, don't make it look like you're only in it for the nooky. Again, it's totally obvious if you start playing it like it's a cold-blooded sex strategy. If things look like they're headed that way, then fine. Then, and only then, can you start the heavy petting.
A bar is a busy place, filled with endless delights for the single lady. Your job is to make it seem like you're the only delight worth having, and by that you have to be engaging. You can't let her mind wander, so keep the attention on her and her life. She'll be unable to resist.
At the same time, you've got to keep things light. Probing conversations into someone's life can quickly spiral in to deep, dark territory, which will kill the mood quicker than you can blink. You don't want to be spilling all your hang-ups and old dramas, either.
By this point, if you've been following this guide, an hour or two has slipped by and there's no denying the chemistry between you two. Now's the point that you should get some time alone from both the noisy bar and her girlfriends. She should have no problem following you to a quiet corner to continue the flirting.
We know that you've come all this way to get your rocks off, but not every night has to end in sex. Sometimes, a great time and a phone number is just as good, and almost a guarantee for bedroom fun later down the line anyway. You should be able to read the mood, so don't push it if she looks like she isn't up for it.
Whether you're angling for a phone number or taking it a couple of steps further, the method of sealing the deal is exactly the same. Again, keep it simple and state it confidently. Just say you've had a great night (which you have) and then either ask her whether she wants to come back to yours for a drink, or whether you could get her phone number. Bam. That's it.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try and how much you follow the guidelines, things just aren't going to work out your way. That's life. Just don't get mad, because it won't help. Rejection is totally normal, and in fact a positive. Rejection means you get to see what went wrong, analyze it, and do it better next time.