What A 5 Year Old Wanted To Buy So Bad He Drove There


Humor | By Courtney Richard | July 5, 2020

We've all made, and continue to make, impulse purchases. It can be just the mints, eyeglass repair kits and once upon a time, the paperback digests of Archie Comics, to be found in the grocery store checkout aisle, more seductive with every minute spent behind someone arguing a 30 cent coupon.

Or it can be your mid range crazy buys, be they impractical kitchen gadgets that promise to make faster meals take you longer than ever before, or be they new phones that the store very helpfully offers to give you a charge card to pay for! It's basically totally free.

Or it might be a sweet candy apple red Lamborghini that you race up and down the highway with the windows down to let the wind blow through your oh so thin hair and make you giggle like a 5 year old boy, if you're 50. Or actually 5.

A Child Denied

It's a story as old as time. You're a kid, and you want something very, very badly. Your mom says no, because you haven't started having good ideas yet and nixing bad ones is much of the job for her. So you pitch a fit, and unlike the better reasoned and constructed tantrums thrown by adults that get what they want, yours is dicey. Mom stands firm.

So naturally you go to where her keys are, stack things on top of things until you're high enough to reach them, then begin the slow descent back down to the floor. Numerous nearly insurmountable obstacles later, you're driving the family car to go get the one that will make you the envy of every kid at school who can differentiate between more than one kind of car.

The End Of The Road

But the dreams of babes are too beautiful for this world, and the 5 year old boy of that relatable tale tragically did not get all the way to his nearest Ferrari dealership. Unfortunately, like too many young men of five, his story ends with blue and red lights, and not even the kind that are on the educational toys from Montessori.

The police who pulled him over were impressed with first of all his pulling over skills, to say nothing of the rest of his driving concepts mastered. But faced with this defeated speed demon of the highways, determined to gun his engines too close to the sun, the maturity ended there, as they saw fit to make fun of the mere 3 dollars he had to buy his Ferrari. It's called haggling, officers.

New Hope

As far as the prospects go of a 5 year old boy with his first brush with unjust authority already under his belt, if in fact he's wearing pants with belts yet, it's just not going to be easy. Grand Theft Kindergarten is going to pop up on any attempt to secure a loan, and that's if next time he makes it to a bank.

But the news is not all bad. He's not likely to succeed with a second attempt to go rogue and buy a Ferrari. And mom will not change her mind and just buy him the car now. But remember: he's now a famous outlaw, and importantly, a cause celebre. Famous and powerful supporters will flock to him, help him write a book about his story. The signing bonus? A Ferrari.

Did You Know...

I

Most of your favorite celebrities either studied acting in college or went straight from high school into a life of the arts. But, hey, not all of them. Some celebrities actually have advanced college degrees.

II

Turns out Mayim Bialik is just as much of a genius as the one she plays on The Big Bang Theory. She earned her Ph.D. in neuroscience from the University of California, Los Angeles, focusing on obsessive compulsive disorder among people with Prader-Willi syndrome, a rare condition in which the hypothalamus malfunctions.

III

Little known fact: Natalie Portman skipped the premiere of Star Wars: Phantom Menace because she was studying for her high school exams. She had two papers published in scientific journals while she was still in high school, and graduated from Harvard University with a B.A. in Psychology.

IV

Before he was looking for answers on X-Files, David Duchovny was just trying to find the answers for English finals at Princeton University90. David graduated from Princeton in 1982 with a B.A in English. He continued to feed his love of literature by receiving a master’s degree in English Literature at Yale University. David was an excellent writer and poet. His work consistently received praise by his fellow classmates and teachers at Yale. His writing was even nominated for a college prize by the Academy of American Poets.

V

Sigourney Weaver graduated from Stanford University in 1971 with a bachelor’s in Literature. It was while studying at Stanford that Sigourney realized her true passion in life was to become an actress. Shortly after graduation, she attended Yale for their well-known drama program. She would go on to receive a master’s in Acting from Yale University and become friends with fellow famous actress Meryl Streep.

VI

Meryl Streep is considered one of the most successful actresses of all time. She is also one of the most highly educated. Before collecting an array of Oscars, Meryl collected diplomas. She graduated from Vassar College with a B.A. in 1971. Meryl has a habit of being unsatisfied with impressive accomplishments as her acting career has shown, so she attended Yale University and earned a master’s degree in Acting.


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