As many an incarcerated would-be wealthy beach bum can testify, committing the perfect crime is far harder than it might seem at first glance. There are a myriad of details that one must get right the first time, while the police have chance after chance to get better at getting the best of you.
Concealing one’s identity, now there is one of the really critical aspects of getting away clean, and staying clean. Of course, these days, everyone has a mask on, but it didn’t used to be so easy. Most thieves favored something in the way of a ski mask, a bandana, or, for those with fun flair, a Halloween mask.
But a pair of grocery store pilferers – well known as criminal community royalty – devised a genius way around the need to dispose of said mask, which is so hard because fire can’t be conjured readily and bodies of deep water are very rare: wear a watermelon!
The Louisa Police Department of Louisa, Virginia said that on May 6th, these two men employed their genius new identity concealing technique at a Sheetz grocery store, which was a good call considering how frequently a z in place of an s connotes quality. The duo made off with an array of items that, while not disclosed by the police, probably were the best things Sheetz has to offer, and may have included new watermelons to ensure that they were not identified by the pattern on the original rinds.
The melon-clad thieves then made off with their booty in a black 2006 Toyota Tacoma, which notably is a sufficiently common make and model to at least slightly complicate detection, but which, disappointingly, is in no way, shape or form any kind of watermelon themed vehicle.
In a development that was perhaps even more frustrating for the shoplifters than their own failure to really go all out with the watermelon motif, they were in fact located and arrested by authorities, with no information as of yet as to whether they still had the original watermelon masks or, in preparation for future heists, new melon masks or melon gloves (made perhaps from smaller honeydew or cantaloupe melons) to avoid leaving prints.
The Louisa police had made an appeal to the public on Facebook for information leading to the apprehension of the suspects, but deleted it following the conclusion of the manhunt, no doubt to avoid bringing undue persecution upon those in the community known by their friend groups to be especially enthusiastic about watermelons and considered to be even moderately untrustworthy.
With the thieves behind bars and awaiting trial, the public has been able to rest easy. But the example set by the melon mask thieves no doubt has many still concerned about the prospect of copycat thieves who made be able to pick up where they left off and improve on the flaws in their plan.
Yes, it’s unlikely any more crimes will be committed with watermelons used as masks. But what of turkeys? A physical comedy staple of sitcom episodes aired during the holidays, it’s well known that they fit on the head. And while eye holes are prohibitively difficult, police would have cause to be worried by that fact more so than not. After all, anyone who would commit a robbery with a turkey over their head might be willing to do anything.