CDC: Don't Kiss Chickens

Humor | By Angelica Osborn | May 30, 2021

If the past year has done anything for Americans, it’s been to instill a new sense of the need for hygiene in all facets of life. Perhaps you have become accustomed to singing happy birthday to yourself twice while washing your hands, which you now are doing far more often.

And that seriousness about health, both one’s own and that of the larger community, has led the diligent to be far more lonely, as it has been possible largely only to spend time with those in your immediate household. If you live with a spouse, no problem. But if not?

Well, many who are single or who do not live with their significant other looked to the first obvious cheat code, which obviously is to kiss your chicken. Unfortunately, and unbelievably, the Centers for Disease Control has decided that that is not safe, leaving us all quite high and dry.

The "Rationale"

No one’s first choice is kissing their chicken, here. We would all prefer to be kissing an attractive person. Normally your chicken is just for eggs, or for eating, but if you want to be kissing, and your chicken is the most attractive living thing that you live with, you’re going to kiss that chicken. You deserve that.

And most likely the CDC does understand that, even if they pretend not to. But per their latest information, a lack of smooching is somehow preferable to the contraction of Salmonella, outbreaks of which have been reported in 43 of 50 states and caused 163 illnesses and 34 hospitalizations. Because of this they are warning against touching poultry and then touching your mouth or food. And what does that mean? Yes, you guessed right: no chicken kissing.

True Motives

Of course, it’s entirely obvious what is really going on here. You have very pretty, very romantic chickens. The CDC? Well, they don’t have any chickens at all, and if they did, they probably would not be able to raise as attractive of chickens as you, seeing as how you are an excellent backyard dairy farmer.

Are you seeing the true motives of the CDC yet? Do you need it to be spelled out? Quite obviously, the CDC is trying to get you to stop giving your chicken the kisses it craves so that it will go looking elsewhere for them? And what do you think the odds are that somehow a certain Atlanta, GA-based government health body would “just happen to be in the neighborhood”? You got it, friend: that’s a round 100 percent.


Now, a year ago the CDC said this same thing. And presumably, since they are saying it again, that means that they found people were not complying. So if you very understandably did not or could not refrain from making out with your chicken, and you are reading this, that means you are fine, and therefore the concern is overblown.

But, just for a laugh, here is what they would have you do to avoid this “threat” to your health because they definitely do not want to get to first base with your chickens for themselves: Wash your hands. What a joke. Handle your chicken safely (ie resist kissing, aka doing the impossible). And keep an eye on kids who may not understand the risk. Like chickens could want to kiss them. So smooch away!



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