As men, we tend to speak before we fully process our thoughts. At times, we can do no wrong when we're sweeping a potential mate off their feet with our witty one-liners, physical traits, or tangible possessions. All of those things are fine and dandy but, once we achieve the goal of getting our most lust-worthy dream women in bed we can sometimes put ourselves in jeopardy of blowing it and watching these women storm off only to be left with blue balls and what would seem like a permanent hard-on. Well, we can help guide you guys to the glory land, literally and figuratively. Check out these fifteen things you should never, ever, EVER say in the midst of having sex with a woman.
Good God please don't mention anything to do with your ex! Are you crazy?! You've gotten this far and now that you're swimming in a vat of greatness you decide to bring up a woman you were committed to in the past?! What sense does this make at all... If you choose not to follow any of the provided advice, please... We beg of you, please, don't bring up your ex or past relationship for the sake of your own and your partner's pleasure.
This is another definite no, no... Do know how weird it would be to bring up your sister or cousin while in the midst of love making? Talk about awkward, anybody in their right mind's 'incest radar' would instantly go off and you most likely won't be able to be able to finish the deed and will be labeled a creep for an eternity.
Slogans & Punchlines
We're all for a good punchline as 'boom goes the dynamite' is appropriate in most settings but, never in the bedroom with an eager young lady. Any type of slogan or punchline should be left out of your vernacular while getting it on. No one wants a third-person sports announcer play-by-play of their sex acts, it's just weird.
This should be another obvious one... If you mention anything in regards to any type of gross bodily function, it will become an instant turn-off for your partner. No one needs to know that you have to excuse yourself to fart or that your burps might smell like the blooming onion that you had at Chili's earlier that night. It's an overshare of information and really unnecessary.
WTF Was That?
We're all grown here so, we know that sometimes funny sounds can occur during the midst of getting it on with your favorite partner. So when it comes to a little extra air entering her lady parts and being released in loud, labia flapping queef, just leave it alone. Seriously, say nothing, make her feel comfortable, and keep enjoying the experience. Plus, if she makes those bodily noises, it's a good thing. Trust us.
The Measuring Game
We're begging you guys seriously... Don't ever, ever, EVER ask if your sword is the longest or biggest she's come into contact with. You will be disappointed and most likely end up with a bruised ego. Matter of fact, you'll be the one storming out of the room while she tries to hold back her laughter. Please don't end up being the topic of some girl's group chat because you decided to ask something as dumb as this.
There's a very thin line between being disrespectful and explorative when it comes to asking what your partner is into while in the bedroom, it's better to ask prior to making love what she's into then end up in an awkward situation when you two find yourselves alone. Especially, when it comes to sleeping with someone you haven't shared many experiences with. Take your time and ease into these questions outside of the bedroom.
No one wants to feel judged so, it's probably best to avoid asking your partner how many people they've had sex with. It's really none of your business and you should be happy you've gotten this close to having or being in the midst of an encounter with said woman. These are the types of questions that are totally inappropriate and unnecessary to bring up not only in the bedroom but in general.
Can you imagine being in mid-stroke and your partner bringing up the most recent rerun of Judge Judy? Yeah, that would suck. It means you're probably non-effective in the bedroom and your sexual partner is so bored they're looking for topics to keep themselves entertained. Now, that the tables have been turned you'd probably avoid the television small talk during your sexual encounters.
First and foremost, if you're not clean enough to wash your sheets and clean your living quarters regularly you probably shouldn't be having sex. But, if you just so happen to be one of those slob types you shouldn't mention the last time you washed your sheets was the prior leap year. There's no better way to get the water valve shut off quicker, if you know what we mean.
What's That Sm...?
This is just an extension of the last little piece of advice that we've offered. Please, please, don't mention any type of funny smell or anything scent related unless you have some passion fruit scented oils or scented candles to set the mood in order to create a romantic setting. Everyone has their own bodily pheromones, let them be what they are unless they're unbearable.
Tight As A What?!
Sometimes, when we have a sexual experience with a brand new partner, we'd like to show our appreciation for how the universe designed their bodies. Especially, when it comes to the tightness of the cat, if you know what we mean. *wink wink* With that being said, please don't say she's 'as tight as a teenager'. Seriously. Don't.
We're all into different things when it comes to bedroom action and activity but, sometimes it's better to leave the nipple clamps and butt plugs in the drawer when making love with a new partner. Asking them if they suck toes or if they'd like to apply Vicks Vapor Rub to sensitive areas should be something you should bring up at a later date.
I'm Just Gonna Set This To Record And Done...
Most chicks don't want to end up like Paris Hilton with a horrible sex tape available for the world to see at any given moment so, please don't think about mentioning recording your sexual experiences with your partner. Matter of fact, don't do it secretly or at all! Just don't, unless the person involved is knowledgeable and willing to perform on camera, then let the games again.
By God, you have to mentally disabled to ask someone you're in the midst of having sex with if your best friend next door could join in. Seriously... Not bright. Maybe, just MAYBE you can ask these types of things at a later date and if your partner is willing, then go for it but, never, ever, ever ask for a threesome while doing the deed.
Please, fellas, take our advice and keep your mouths shut. If she's willing to sleep with you now, there's no reason to really to bring much up when you're in the bedroom together. Keep things simple.
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